Tuesday, March 16, 2010

An Uphill Battle (46/90)

From the start of the day, I haven't quite felt like myself. That isn't exactly true, I've felt pretty good. I was surprisingly chipper and excited to be back on campus today after a wonderful Spring Break in Tampa that I wasn't quite ready to be done with.

But, I struggled this morning when I looked in the mirror. I fiddled with the hair for far to long, whether I should pull it up or leave it hanging and I just couldn't get it to look right or figure out what the problem was.

Then I fiddled with my earrings, trying on three different pairs before I went back to my big basic studs. This odd fidgeting happened all day, I found myself pulling at my clothes and feeling a little uncomfortable for no good reason.

But we all have these days, I think. Just off days where it's hard to even pinpoint the issue.

And then tonight, I watched this video that I made for my social media project that I've been worried about ever since I made it. I knew that I didn't want to see it before I made it, but of course I watched it anyway.

And I cried.

Which, although it's no secret that things like this tend to embarrass me, is not my typical reaction. I think it was just a big dose of reality for me. I tend to be avoidant at times, and this has been no different with my struggles with my appearance. I've been in denial about my weight, refusing to get on the scale, and refusing to deal with the awkwardness of my hair now. And I think the reason this killed me so much is that I've been trying to tell myself that I'm okay. That my weight is okay, that my hair looks good, that I look okay.

 But what I saw in that video is just not okay with me.

Thankfully, I'm ready now to deal with this. Which for me means figuring out what will make it okay. Or how to be okay with it. External validation will never be enough. I've got to find a way, within myself, to really be okay with it or to do what it takes to make it okay.

The one good thing that came of this though, is that I know I'm in the right place with the writing that I'm pursuing, and the social media project. This is something I struggle with, and may always struggle with. But, the feedback that I've gotten so far on writing about the struggle, is that other people do too.

And I've always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, to share openly, the way that other people have with me, the things that make us human and relatable.

The first step I'm taking in being okay, in gaining power over this struggle, is finding little things to celebrate. I'd love for you to join me here.

Tomorrow, I'm celebrating with a post (and pictures) of natural hair in advertising.


Brad King said...

Hey: you are beautiful + your body is not something you should ever let rule you.

But I am happy you are being pro-active. In the end, that's all we can do and ask of each other ;)

Tiffany Holbert said...

Thanks Brad, I appreciate that. One step at a time seems to be the lesson I'm learning.

Brad King said...

In my world, it's one day at a time ;) same concept. We have a few more: Do The Next, Right Thing and always, always Take It Easy.

I repeat those in my head throughout the day. Pretty much any time you start to see me get frustrated ;)

But don't you ever cry about your body. Ever.

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