Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A Subtle Shift (33/90)

Things are starting to come together in my life. 

Or maybe just in my head. Which is a much needed change. And it’s enough for me to start making some moves. I can’t really explain what’s happened over the past few days, if anything. Nothing external, for sure. Something in me just feels different.

That probably sounds silly to some, and it’s an odd awareness to have without being able to pinpoint the source. I’ve noticed, on several occasions, that whatever the general sentiment is in my environment at the time,  mine tends to be the opposite. That’s also an odd awareness to have and still try to fit in. But I’ve given up on the fitting in part so now, it’s just odd really.


It’s the week before Spring Break, and I think I had my meltdowns early, as evidenced here and here. And now, when everyone around me is about to burst, I'm breathing easy. I had an important test today and another one on Thursday as well as some other major assignments that I've still got to handle, but I'm just breathing easy through this last stretch. 

It's quite possible that I'm just overjoyed at the thought of seeing my Mom and friends in just a few days and spending some time in the sunshine and on the water. I'm not really concerned with analyzing why right now. I'm just feeling good, and it's nice. 

For the first time in a long time, I am excited by the things that just last week nearly triggered a panic attack. Again, I can't even explain what's made the difference. And it might not last, which is why it's important that I share these things now, while I'm still excited. 

The Internship: I've got to have one of those to graduate and I've been procrastinating because I've been fearful that I won't get one which has kept me from applying for any. It's funny how we manifest our fears that way. But, for right now I'm more excited than fearful. I'm really hoping to find a firm that specializes in PR for the arts or a performing arts center. I want to  send applications for 10 internships over break. 10, that's the goal. I need to get my resume finished and designed (and by designed I mean a decent looking masthead, and a functional layout) and start writing some cover letters. I'm aware that I'm behind on this, but right now I believe that it's all going to come together. 

Informational Interviews: So, I've been assigned (despite my nerves, I'm grateful) to do two informational interviews as a part of this graduate school planning process. I got an email response today and it looks like at least one of those will happen this week at the USF in Tampa. 

The Graduate School: I have my eyes fixed on one already. I need to do some additional research still on the  professors and their work and I'll have time to do that next week. The next step then will be making a trip there. After next week I need to find a Friday that I can make a drive to Chicago and tour the school, talk to the advisor, the professors and the students. This will be the real first step in the grad school process; the visit to the first choice school. And I may find out that I'm not as in love with it as I think, and have to go back to the drawing board. But, I've got to find out. 


I just feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. 

I can't explain it. And I'm not even sure that it needs to be explained. Although, my guess is that for whatever reason I've just now gotten to the point that I'm more scared of not trying than I am of failing. I've failed before, and I'll fail again. But I know what failure feels like, and I know that it's survivable. 

I know what not trying feels like too, and that's not survivable. That's the slow death of all that it means to be alive and well. To be passionate and hopeful and free. 

I think I'm finally ready to fail. And that's a good place to start. 


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