My life, for the past several years, has been a constant striving. A struggle to be more of this and less of that. A battle against feeling that I am both not enough and too much.
I vividly remember the moment I was told a few years ago by someone who, in the grand scheme of things proves insignificant, that I wasn't easy to love. Or, that's what I heard, which is as real to me as the actual words that were spoken.
It was in a Sears parking lot, I was standing against my car a foot away from a person I admired, respected and wanted to be just like. Her words were simple and quick, her face expressionless. And i remember the way that moment sucked the life out of me, the way I assumed at first that she was joking, until silence settled the truth, my hands covering the pain I couldn't hide on my face. It was quick, with lasting impact. And I drove the five minutes home, blinded by my tears.
The stinging power of those words (or the perception that overshadowed them) forced me, the truest me, to retreat. I began painting a picture of myself that I thought less complicated, more acceptable.
One day last week, I was made aware that I am seen; that this picture I've created of myself, though I was unaware, is transparent.
While that moment was startling, it granted a freedom: To just be.
What this means in this delicate season of my life, is that the "letting go" that I wrote of before, and struggled to define, is that simple. Just be, knowing that I am at times both, not enough and too much.
I'm choosing to trust though, that the same beauty and honesty that I see in brokenness, will be seen in me.