Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"I Know There's Something Better" (32/90)

I am like the winter/ I’m a dark cold female/ with a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

I’m not good with dates. Numbers have never been my strong suit. I remember important dates though like birthdays and anniversaries, but that’s only because they are important to the people that I love.  

Other than that, I’m not good with dates. I always marvel at girls that can tell you the date that they first went out with their significant other. And even the date of their first kiss. I will never be that girlfriend, no matter how sweet I think that is.

 I remembered this on Sunday after I’d spent all of Saturday beating myself for the way that I went through the day.

 If I had only looked at the date, I might have given myself a break for the way that I was. All I wanted to do was sleep or lay in bed on top of my heating pad eating chocolate chip cookies and Chex Mix.

Because it’s that time when girls get cranky, distracted and extra sleepy. It’s just that time. And that, I can accept.

And it is me who is my enemy/ Me who beats me up/ Me who makes the monsters/ Me who strips my confidence

But because I’m so terrified of slipping into a funk, I beat myself up for it. All day.  And then, I woke up and decided to give myself permission to not have it all together. And because of that simple freedom, I had a great day. And got my work done. Not all of it, not what I’d planned. But enough.

And now of course I’m wondering why it took so long for me to give myself a break. To decide to stop beating myself up. But instead, to allow myself the failures, faults and flaws that are the essence of my humanity.

I’ve always been hard on myself, for as long as I can remember. Constantly going over in my head the things that I do wrong, as I do them. And long after I’ve done them. That, I’ve realized is what most often sends me into a funk. A tailspin.

I am walking over the bridge/ I am over the water/ And I’m scared as hell/ But I know there’s something better

This game of life is a constant striving to be better, to be more than what we are. More than we esteem ourselves to be.

I am striving, and I am failing. Again and again. Sometimes in small ways other times much larger, more substantial ways. I haven’t been able to figure it out. Nothing is coming together the way that I have expected it to. I have panicked and spent too much time beating myself up.

But, I have overlooked the date.  I forget that I am only 22. And it just happens to be that time when 22 year olds are confused and broken and frustrated.  It’s just that time. And that, I must accept.

It will pass, which doesn’t mean that when it does my striving will then lead me to success. What is important is that when it passes, I am still striving. And I must give myself permission to fail, because I will. But after I do, I must keep striving.

That is winning in this game of life.


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