Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Writing And Wrestling (69/90)

It's been a tough day; one where the writing stirs all of the emotions bubbling just under the surface that I've been trying to keep from spilling over me. 

And I'm proud of my decision not to go after chocolate cake and ice cream or any other ridiculously calorie-laden junk food seeking comfort. 

But I don't feel much like writing tonight. Which for me really means that I don't feel like wrestling with myself. 

Instead it's easier to simply justify my heaviness by the sleepless night, the stress of a pressure-filled day and the worry that gripped my heart as I thought of my Mom lying in a surgery room far from my reach.

And that is justification enough, I think.

 But it's not like me to be so fragile. To have to fight tears that crept up on me three times today without any real reason or forewarning. 

And the writing won't allow me to hide that.  Trust me I’ve tried. I’ve got four different Word documents open each with blog posts started on some triviality of the day. But it just won’t work.

 It won't allow me to lay here comfortably in my bed, the heater whizzing beside me, without searching for an explanation or seeking a resolution.

This is just a hard transition, I keep telling myself. One that is impossible to feel prepared or confident through.

This is one that will, indeed, require lots and lots of wrestling.


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