Saturday, April 10, 2010

The First Of The Lasts (71/90)

Tonight as I sat at The Louie Awards, which are hosted annually by the Ball State journalism department, I realized just how quickly everything is about to change.

I was among several of the people that I’ve been surrounded by for the last two years of my life. This has been a special time for me, one that I wasn’t sure I’d get to experience after transferring from USF, which is much larger and less personal than the mid-sized Midwestern university that is Ball State.

But I’m grateful that I have. And now I only worry that I’ve become attached.

Three weeks. 

That’s what was repeated from the lectern several times over. Three weeks left of the semester. Three weeks left of undergraduate classes and late nights spent in the Cardinal Communications office and library study rooms.  Three weeks left of this particular crunch time stress that is giving me a blinding headache even as I type this. Three weeks left of my life as a pseudo grown-up.

Three weeks.

And tonight, as usual, I found myself slipping in and out of the conversations and interactions taking place around me. In to catch the tail end of a joke and share in the burst of laughter, out to retreat in my head with long moments of silence and reflection.

I found out tonight that one of my favorite professors at the university is leaving, going back to Maryland to spend time with his family and take on new endeavors. During my second semester at BSU after a rougher transition than I anticipated he was the first professor to recognize potential in me and admonish me to always do a little more.

And while we don’t have a close relationship, I am grateful. Forever grateful. Those little talks always stay with me, the little nudges that remind you there’s something there to believe in, worth pushing a little harder for.

So it was jarring for me to hear. And I fear this is how The Leaving will be. 

The drift has already begun as we’re all scattering off in our own little ways; chasing our various passions, lovers, dreams and opportunities.

The general sentiment is that it’s been a long time coming, and we’re ready to hit the ground running. No looking back. I haven’t quite reached that place yet myself although I’ve almost entirely withdrawn my energy from mundane class assignments and busy work focusing solely on my major projects and internship prospects.

The things I can take with me when it’s all over.

Tomorrow I’ll meet with friends for a day of homework over coffee. This first will also be a last. And I’m sure that I’ll slip in and out over the course of the day, the way that I always do.

As I worry that I’ve become attached. 


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