"What are you doing," she asked.
"Homework," I said, without an ounce of enthusiasm.
"I'm done," she said excitedly.
She's just finished the last courses for her Master's degree. She's officially done. Over the past few months we've been commiserating over the assignments that require long nights of work and weekends spent in.
"How does it feel," I asked her.
***
I've been all kinds of up and down lately. And it's bothersome for me to acknowledge. Embarrassing, actually. Just yesterday my life felt full. Today it feels empty. There is no in between.
Yesterday was a great day, for simple reasons. Two great conversations over coffee during the day, and I watched one of my favorite movies while doing bits and pieces of assignments at night.
But, today has been miserable. I have spent the entire day alone in my room working on a paper and trying to find little moments of enjoyment in the meantime. This paper is not complicated, but it is long. Whenever I get around to finishing it, it will be between 15-20 pages. Nothing compared to the 100-page research paper I wrote on the health care debate a few semesters back. Yet and still, I'm struggling to finish it.
I'm learning that I can not multitask. Research has shown that none of us can effectively, but I really can't. I am too easily distracted. When I really need to get something done, and in a timely fashion, I need to be alone, sitting at my desk in silence.
Which, unless I'm passionate about the "thing" that needs done, is just unpleasant. Sometimes I get into a zone, and just lose myself in the work and before I know it 4 hours have passed. But, because I've been trying to fight myself and the way that I know I work, that just hasn't happened today.
Nothing has happened. I haven't relaxed and I haven't gotten my work done. I'm dreading Monday. There's much to be done yet this weekend and I don't want to carry any of it into a new week.
***
There is no balance in my life, I've never been able to find it. I wanted to spend this weekend playing. I wanted to find time to recharge before I run out of juice completely. But, from the looks of today I think I may already be out of it.
Which, as real as that feels, isn't actually an option.
Thankfully, the weekend isn't over yet. I've got tomorrow to figure out how to get all of my work done and hope that there is time left afterwards to play or just relax.
But this anxiety and frustration really isn't about the assignments. This is about trying to find the plains to stand on instead of the peaks and the valleys.
It's no secret that I've been dreading the end of college. I'm scared of what that end will mean for me. But, the end is sneaking up on me quickly. I know that there is much to be done still before I move on, and I don't want to carry any of it into a new season.
And that question I asked my Mom this morning, is one I've got to answer for myself.
2 comments:
Ugh, the way you describe your weekend is exactly how I felt my sophomore year. None of the work was particularly hard, but I had no drive or ambition to complete the tasks. Then when I did poorly on them I felt even worse, and it was a never ending cycle of feeling blah. Excellent blog by the way, you are a very good writer :)
Hey Kyle!
Yeah, I'm not sure if it's the pre Spring Break blahs or if it's Senioritis kicking in. Either way, I've got to get it together! Thanks so much for reading, I've been keeping up on yours too! :)
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