Insatiably Curious (26/90)

Love is all around me. From engagements to first dates to anniversaries. There is wedding planning, saving for houses and honeymoons, rearranging dreams and seeking new opportunities. All of the things involved in weaving lives together.

Once I swallow the tinge of jealousy that rises in my chest, it’s exciting to watch. It’s beautiful.

I’ve never been in love. Not if I’m honest with myself.  I’ve had one real boyfriend. We were in high school and it was a long distance relationship, or at least that’s what we called it. It was more a glorified friendship, but it was nice.

We talked on the phone, not every night, but often enough. We shared dreams and hopes for our futures. We talked about things that kids who think they’re in love talk about: marriage, where we’d like to honeymoon and what to name the kids.

We made trips to attend each other’s proms, although, I decided at the last minute not to go to mine and we ended up driving around Tampa instead. We sent Valentines in the mail. We loved each other, I think. I’m sure, actually.

 It might be a bit much to say we were in love. Only because I’m not exactly sure what that means, which means I certainly didn’t know at 16.

I’ve dated a little bit, of course. Never anything serious. Nothing real. Not yet.

***

I’ve been a Celine Dion fanatic since I was, 13. Ok, let’s be for real, since I was 11. It’s more embarrassing now than it was then. I wasn’t just a Titanic fan, truth be told, that’s my least favorite song. I’m talking real fan.  I bought every single one of her albums, both of her books and her concert DVDs.

I once made a friend watch her Live in Memphis concert with me as I sang along and rewound my favorite parts. Said friend fell asleep as I kept watching, and singing long into the night.

 It was sort of an obsession. I’d lock myself in my room at night and play her albums, often repeating one song for hours. No particular song, just whatever moved me at the time.

I’ve figured this out over the years. I think I’ve always known but been a bit too afraid to admit it. You see, I am both incredibly curious and perceptive. Both of these things have become issues in my life, but that’s another blog for another day.

Celine has gotten a bad wrap for being corny and overly dramatic. And sometimes even I cringe when I watch her. But, she sings about one thing, and one thing only, and that I am insatiably curious about: Love.

What it feels like to be in love.

The obsession has since died down. The curiosity; however, has not.

***

And now, I’m more curious than I’ve ever been as I watch as love swirls about me.

All of my friends are married, engaged or impatiently waiting for the day he’ll pop the question. It’s through them that I’ve learned what it’s like to be in love. From the outside.

 I’m familiar with the radiance that emerges after a new commitment has been made, the growing pains that begin after the honeymoon stage ends, and the excitement and uncertainty that precede plans to start a family.

 Curious cat that I am, I want to know what it feels like from the inside out.

But, I shouldn’t give you the idea that I see love through rose-colored glasses. I wouldn’t consider myself an optimist, if you haven’t noticed. I’m equally curious about the less than exciting things that come with being in love.

None of this is to say that I’m ready, or that it’s my time. It’s possible that I’m just in love with the idea of being in love.