Friday, October 30, 2009

Passing Through

In exactly 267 days, I will be a college graduate. Only after writing it does the number seem large to me.  

Time passes quickly though. Too quickly.  It feels like yesterday that I was graduating from high school and making the transition into college. That was hard for me. So much so that I delayed it for a year. 

Transition always seems to come at a time in my life  when I'm just settling in, getting comfortable.  

My freshman year of high school my parents were going through a divorce that was more painful for me than I knew how to express at the time. Just as I was finding my niche, I learned that I would be moving to Tampa, away from everyone and everything I knew and loved. 

I remember the day that we left, I used to know the date, but it escapes me now. Sometime in late July, weeks before my 15th birthday. I held up the flight by bolting to the bathroom right before takeoff. I told my Mom I couldn't hold it. "It" wasn't the "it" that she assumed though. "It" was the tears, the emotion, the pain. So I took a moment in that tiny airplane bathroom to cry, and try to get my bearings. 

 That flight not only transported me to my new home for the next seven years, but it changed me. In two hours I went from being confident, outgoing, and funny to insecure, shy and solemn. It wasn't until my senior year that I felt the person I knew returning. 

Too little, too late. The transition into college was upon me.  

The feelings I have now, are frighteningly similar to those I felt seven years ago.  

Just as I'm settling in, getting comfortable. I'm halfway through my second year at Ball State University. I'm just beginning to feel like I know the university. There is a camaraderie being built between my classmates and I. Possible friendships budding. That person I knew makes appearances in unexpected moments, and I get excited. Then I remember, just 267 days. 

Too little to late. The transition into adulthood is upon me. 

While it feels to soon, maybe it's right on time. Just before I settle. Get comfortable. Just before I relent to mediocrity. Just before I become complacent.

I know that the walk across the stage will transport me to another new home, and change me in ways I'm not aware of yet. 

My lingering hope, is that that the confident, outgoing, funny girl I knew doesn't get lost in the shuffle. That her timing will get better, and the next time she makes an appearance, she'll be able to stay a while. 


Brad King said...

Hey kiddo. Just keep pushing forward. It took me 36 years to find a home. But it's worth the wait.

Tree said...

I understand every word you're feeling. You are doing a suberb job, and you know that God is walking with you. I felt the same way when grandma passed away. I lost who I was. You are an amazing writer and you have an uncanny way of drawing people in. Keep it up, love. Your cousin, Teresa

Stephanie Bane said...

Yowza. You're right. I remember reading this...which now seems forever ago.

Tiffany Holbert said...

It's weird. I just need a little more time, minus the stress and assignments! :)

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