Obsessions (20/90)

We're 20 days into the  90 in 90 challenge now. On day one, 20 seemed like it would never come. And 90 is still very far away, but I've settled in now. A few hours each day are reserved for writing, and this will continue, even beyond the 90 days.  It takes three weeks to create a habit, tomorrow is day 21.

What I didn't know on day one is that the writing wouldn't get easier. It actually gets harder because after about a week or two you've written all of the easy, surface stuff.  All of the stuff that keeps you from actually writing.

And then what?

I've been asked, over and over what kinds of stories do I want to tell?  What will the blog become? What's the theme?  These questions stumped me. I didn't know, I just wanted it to come from a real place.

Without realizing it, I've been writing about appearance and self-image quite a bit. This is what I'm interested in, these are the stories I want to tell, for now. I know this is right on because just thinking about it excites me, and I'm not easily excitable.

 For the first time in 20 days, I've already got plans for the next few posts. And, I'll be building a social media project around this idea. I'll be asking people to share their stories of their struggles with their appearance, self-image, and the ways that they use their appearance to express their individuality.

But, it wouldn't be right of me to ask for such openness and honesty from people without doing the same.

***
I looked through a ton of pictures of myself in preparation for this blog post. There are two things that I looked at first in each picture. First, my weight. It is constantly fluctuating, and it makes me cringe most of the time. Second, my hair. Most of the pictures I have were intentionally taken on good hair days.

These are major obsessions with my appearance: weight and hair.

These things don't just happen though. Tomorrow, I'm going to start dealing with the first.

***
I've got a doctors appointment in the morning. And while I should be  nervous about it for different reasons there's one thing circling in my mind. The scale. I've chosen not to worry about my weight for now, because I've got no more room for worry.

But, first thing in the morning I've got to get on the scale and face what I've been avoiding. I already know the range of thoughts and emotions I'll face, which still leaves me ill-prepared.

Weight has been an obsession in my life. For as long as I can remember. And, my trying not to obsess, is actually obsession. *Sigh*

But tomorrow, I'll be open about why. And, I'll share some of the pictures that make me cringe.