"It Breaks When You Don't Force It" (23/90)

It’s a whirlwind. 

This bad, destructive energy in me. I want to reach down in my chest and pull it out, throw it to the ground and stomp on it. I want it out.

I want everything to slow down.  I want to be clear-headed and focused.

I’m thinking back to the exercise that the doctor told me to practice.

“Take 2-3 minutes a day and just breathe,” he said.

This will be something you really have to practice, he told me.

I tried that today, for the first time on my own.  But, trying to slow down, when everything in you feels manic is, well, trying to say the least.

But, when I can do it, those few minutes, those breaths help to get me through the moment.

***

Tonight was a night that I’ve been thinking about for days now.

 One of the two high schools in my hometown is closing. It is the school that I always knew would be my alma mater. The house I grew up in was less than five minutes from the school. Far before my time, I knew the school song and had a wardrobe full of the school colors: black and plaid.

I went there for only a year before I moved. It was never mine the way I thought it would be.

My sister bought me a ticket in advance for the game tonight assuming that I’d want to go. So, I had to go. I knew this would be hard. I knew I would begin to wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed.

But, at the time all I could think about doing was leaving. The intensity of life here was more than I could handle.  There was embarrassment, shame and great pain. And I had to escape. I had to have something new.

I left my first real friend, all of my history and this world of familiarity to escape the moment.

***

I remember my first day at the new high school. I felt lighter than I had in a long time. I had the same feeling my first few months at Ball State. Everything was new. I was not grounded. No attachments. I was not known. And for a while that’s good.

Until there are nights like tonight.

I sat at that game with familiar faces all around me. But, I struggled to remember names. And when eye contact was made with one of those familiar faces, more than once, there was no recognition of my face.

This is what I feared. I knew the way it would hurt. Because this is an experience I keep having. One I keep choosing, when I choose to escape the moment.

Nothing feels like mine. Nowhere feels like home.

I’ve been back in my room now for over two hours. I’ve yet to take off my coat and boots. I’m not cold, I’m just thinking of leaving. There’s nowhere to be. But, right here, right now is too intense. 

I want to reach down in my chest and pull this emotion out. I want it out. I want to pick up my keys and drive until I’m too far away to care. I want to be light again. To be new. I want to escape this moment.

But, I know what I must do instead. Take off my coat, and my boots and breathe. And hope that these next few breaths will get me through this moment.