Companion (18/90)

I wish this wasn’t real. That this wasn’t me.  And it’s possible that it isn’t real and this isn’t me. But it’s too hard to tell because the lines between what I feel and what actually is have been blurred. So, for right now, it makes no difference.

Still, I’m ashamed. And I should keep this inside, only I’m afraid that it will smother the little bit of happiness that has found its way in this cold, empty, dark space.

There is a hesitance in this happiness, reluctance in realizing the possibilities before me.  I want the possibilities, desperately. I’ve even convinced myself that they are all I need. Because I fear they’ll be all I have.

But happiness needs a companion.

***

“We all just want to be loved,” she said in a tone that made me think those words were more a reminder for her than for me.  Those words were for justifying days gone by. Reserved for forgiveness of mistakes made, forgotten and then remembered again.

I wouldn’t need those words, I knew better. I was convinced that there was something ahead of me. Someone worth waiting for, worth being excited about.

 I haven’t gotten there, though.  And I’m not sure that I will. I’ve given up on the idea that I’ll find something real. Something that resonates deep on the inside, that makes sense through and through.

But I’m young, you may be thinking. And you’re right. But I’ve realized that there are some parts of our lives that just don’t change. There is a place in me that has always felt the same. Empty, longing, lonely. And people will come, because they do. But, they will go, because they do.

My longing for them to stay is dangerous. And the day came that I had to make justifications of my own.  A day that I decided that there’s a time when it’s ok to spill your secrets to strangers, just because they’re there. A time when it makes sense to be held without being loved. There’s a time when passionless kisses are enough.

Because they may be all I have.

***

 I am a difficult, complicated person overall. This I know. There are things about me that I don’t expect to be understood or appreciated. There are things that I fight with and should fight with alone.

And yet, there is a little bit of happiness that has found its way into this cold, empty dark space. And I want it to stay

Because it may be all I have.

Happiness needs a companion, as do I.