As It Is (19/90)

I won't try to make this cryptic. Or deep. Or any of the other expectations I put on myself.

Here it is, as it is.

I'm struggling. A lot.

Depression.

I've got this overwhelming sadness that keeps eclipsing the little moments of happiness and excitement that find their way into my life. All I want right now is to be outside of my head. Outside of myself

 I feel so alone. And I feel powerless to fix that.  It's not about being around people, because I'm around great people, all the time. That's a blessing. But again, it's not about being around people. It's about feeling known. Close. Understood.

I have to admit that I am jealous of all of the amazing friendships and relationships that I see all around me. I'm jealous of the conversations in which the silences are not filled with hurried words or uneasy sighs, because there is comfort in the silence.   I'm jealous of the hugs between lovers, being wrapped in someone's arms and held, just because. I'm jealous of the friendships that allow total freedom of expression, where you can say exactly what you feel.

I really don't feel like any of these things are in my near future.

I've been here before. It's a struggle that I am a little ashamed of. I don't want people to think I'm weak.  I am a lot of things, but I'm not weak.

And yet, I can't get control of this thing that is trying to take me out. It's a fight that feels unwinnable.

Anxiety.

There is a lot of this in me. Which is what makes this a fun little ride to be on. In the lowest moments my head is still spinning, racing with thoughts that I can't control.

It’s an exhausting way to live. It’s always a struggle to fall asleep and my heart is almost always beating too fast. 

I’m scared about what happens next.

I feel like I won’t be able to get a job after graduation. I’m scared that I won’t be accepted to any of the writing programs that I apply to. I’m worried that I’ll have to spend my life doing something I hate. And I’m worried that if all of these fears are actually false, and good times are ahead of me, that I’ll spend them feeling as alone as I do now.

I feel like I’m here watching as the lives of everyone around me become full and move forward. Soon, there won’t even be anyone to watch.

But.

These are all feelings. And they are real, for me. But, I'm choosing to focus on a few good things. Facts.  Which are even more real.

•         My copy of David Foster Wallace's Consider The Lobster has been shipped and is on the way. I can't wait to start reading it. The estimated arrival is Friday, which leads me to another great thing.
•        Reading Day this Friday.  On reading days I get to hang out with writers and talk writing and eat pancakes (all thanks to Brad.) Fridays are my favorite days.
•       My Social Media project is in the works. I've got a great idea that I hope will be of some value to people. I'm not worried about how many, but I want it to be helpful to someone. I'll be focusing on Appearance: our struggles with it and the expressions of our individuality through it.  I want to create a space where people feel celebrated for their individuality and little less alone in their struggles.
•        Spring Break is right around the corner. I'll spend ten days in Tampa with my mom and friends. I'll spend many of those days by the water, on the beach or at the Bayshore. And there will be sunshine, which I love.

I’ve shared all of this for a reason, a couple reasons actually. First, I’m not ok with being ashamed about my struggles, that would say that I think other people should be ashamed too, and I don’t. So, not being ashamed is a fight I’m winning.

 Secondly, this is for accountability sake. It’s easy for me to hide; I do a pretty good job of that. I’m pretty good at pretending too, which won’t get me anywhere with this.  This is something I must deal with. Tomorrow I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment. As much as I’ve gone back and forth with this, I was reminded today that asking for help is ok; needing help is ok.  I’m not sure what will come of it I just know that I could use a hand with this one.  And I’m writing this because if I don’t, I won’t call.

These are the punches I’m throwing in a fight that feels unwinnable.