In Anticipation (41/90)

I’m sitting nervously at The Coffee Beanery, a quaint little café in New Tampa, only minutes from my house. And I can’t believe that I’ve never made it here before. It’s a nice spot for writing or studying; there is free WiFi, good coffee and decent looking food that I haven’t the stomach to try today.

My nerves have my stomach knotted in anticipation of the informational interview that I have scheduled at USF today with the graduate director of their Creative Writing program.

And truthfully, I’ve got no reason to be nervous. This is an informational interview, which means I’m not in the hot seat. I’ll be asking some basic questions about the program and their expectations and goals for their students. Logistical stuff, mainly. It’s a practice run for the interview at the top choice school and this particular program is not one I’m even seriously considering just yet.

But for me, it’s more than just an informational interview. It’s another step.

****

We’re nearing the halfway mark in the 90 in 90 challenge now.

To be completely honest, it just keeps getting harder. At this point I’m finding myself constantly searching for inspiration, just a spark to set ablaze a new fire within me. One that is fresh and ferocious and untapped.

I’m searching for some momentum to keep me from the long moments of stillness that break the flow of my writing and replace the rhythm of my fingers pounding on the keys with silence. Which, in this whole process has become more and more unpleasant.

Because creating, anything at all, is hard. Creating consistently is even harder. It is both a struggle and a joy.

And this is the life of a writer, I presume. This is the life that I want more than anything. It is the only thing that I can imagine pouring myself into day after day, for a lifetime.

***

I feel foolish daily. It happens routinely, right about the time that I click “publish”. I know the things that I will hear when I go to that interview: There won’t be room for many. Not everyone is cut out for this life. It is hard, lonely and arduous.

These are the words that I’ve heard over and over again. The words that have kept me from my love for so long.

But, here we are on day 41 and I’m sitting here preparing for an interview at a graduate school. Trying to build a life around my passion for writing.  And I still don’t know if I’m doing it right. Or if I even have the ability to do it right.

But I’m doing it. And I’ll keep doing it.

Because despite the answer, the passion is in the doing.