Sunday, August 22, 2010

Once More, With Feeling

August 21, 2010

I turned 23 today. And it was a little disappointing as birthdays and other so-called monumental occasions tend to be. As there is often the absence of some feeling we were desperately hoping to feel again or for the very first time. 

For some reason, I thought spending my time here in Tampa would feel less lonely, but the loneliness is within—that’s always been the problem.

However, after eight days away I’m refreshed enough to go back to Indiana with a new attitude to accompany my new job.  A new start to a new life, hopefully something a little more like what I’ve always imagined.

Soon, I’ll have my own place. Somewhere that feels like my home again. It’s been too long.

There are so many changes on the road ahead. I’m overwhelmed by the thought of it all.  I spent my whole summer trying to get ahead and now I’ve got to catch up to where I’ve gotten.

How it’s all going to happen—I’m not sure. But it’s got to.

All of it.

The weight has got to come off. It will require all of my strength and discipline, considering the circumstances. I’ve got no other choice when I think of it every day and feel ashamed of my body. It’s time. I’m secretly hoping the physical changes will attract the man I’m waiting for. Whomever he is. 

That, without a doubt, violates some self-love law, but it’s my truth.

There are other grown-up things to deal with—skeletons to evict, dreams to chase, loves to let go. You know, the gut-wrenching things that are impossible to prepare for.

I told a friend the other day that I’m almost happy. A little more than yesterday and even more tomorrow, I hope. Maybe it’s a natural progression, something I’ll work my way into when the time is right.

Or  maybe it’s one of those feelings. 

2 comments:

Kyle James said...

I wonder what it is about us humans thinking that we're never good enough for anyone and all of our flaws and imperfections somehow lead to our problems. I feel the same way. Not confident about my appearance or personality. I'm hoping to change that one day though :D

Tiffany Holbert said...

I think that's the human condition :) But, of course we can work on it and we will!

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