Elements Outside My Control

 I’ve anticipated this week for months.

I’ve dreaded the emotion— or lack of— that I associated with these last days. I’ve been too busy for it though.

Until now.

It’s finals week, and as a senior my remaining obligations are ones I am left to manage on my own. I’ve got one paper left to revise and another yet to write.

I’ve spent the entire day at home. I’ve busied my mind with cleaning, organizing, planning my summer and collecting recipes, pages and pages of recipes. No paper writing, as my motivation is wane and my mind already past this point in time.

***

I’ve spent a lot of time envisioning what my life will look like after these next three months.

This move home, though purposed, assailed my independence in a way I didn’t expected. Which is the main reason that I considered packing up once again and getting on a plane back to Tampa immediately following graduation.

It wasn’t at all the way it was planned. I’ve taken care of myself since I was 14, when I had to just figure it out step by step and keep moving. Since then, I’ve worked to make it work. No questions asked.

I am proud of my independence during that time; the courage I had to navigate a new city and build a new life away from everything I knew.

I’ve always had an independent spirit. I try to live with as few attachments as possible, something that’s hurt a few people along the way.

I can recall countless conversations I've initiated about establishing boundaries and holding on with open hands. I am overly protective of my freedom and my time.

***

All this because I know that once I’m in, I’m in. With my love and affection, I am relentless.

I am attached now. My heart has been won, it seems. It’s beating for more than just me, aching for more than just me, leaping for more than just me.

On nights like tonight, when I’m enjoying my aloneness and the solitude that comes from being disconnected, I hate this.

This reminder that my life is never entirely my own. That I am loving right now.  

Something that I wish I had a little more control over. 

But, I haven't fled and I haven't shut down. When it comes to the things I can control, I'm figuring it out.