Thursday, January 21, 2010

Until The Night Is Over

It’s been a long, lonely night. The clock isn’t moving. I’ve been still for what seems like days. My heart is heavy for no good reason at all.

I’ve chosen this night though, the stillness, the quietness, the flood of emotion. I almost reached out. Twice. But, I chose this night.

A received a card from a friend last night. I read it and re-read it and read it again. She was my first real friend in Florida, she helped bring me back to life.

My first three years in Florida, my final high school years, I spent in my room, night after night. I was silenced by the weight of a broken family and a lost identity.

And then, I met this girl, my polar opposite. She dresses in bright colors and wears big earrings, you almost always hear her before you see her. She asked me to hang out, and before I realized I’d agreed, we were hanging out. All the time. 

She introduced me to Spanish food and the Bayshore. She taught me that it’s okay to laugh for no reason, to blast the radio and sing out the window.  She taught me that it’s okay to cry, just because you need to.

She was oblivious to my signals, the ones that warn you to back up, to enter at your own risk. From the time that I met her, she’s been there. She’s taken me to the ER, I’ve eaten with her family on Christmas, she planned the only birthday parties I’ve ever had.

I spent all of last year hoping a boy would notice me. I felt invisible, unattractive, plain. I lost fifteen pounds, bought new clothes and kept on hoping.  He never noticed.

After a while, I decided I was fine being alone. Aloneness fits me. I enjoy my time; I need my space.

There are three boys trying to get my attention now. Pursuing me persistently. I’m annoyed. I’m tired of hearing that I’m cute, I’m tired of getting texts, tired of being looked up and down, chatting about nothing.

They want too much and not enough.

I sit here wishing there was a body beside me.  One to share this silence. One that would let me cry without an explanation. Eyes that would look at me without question. A heart confident enough in me to know that I’ll be fine tomorrow.

This heaviness won’t last. It’s just a long, lonely night. 


Brad King said...

Ah kid, I love your words. If you're not careful, you might make something of yourself.

Tiffany Holbert said...

Thanks man! You know that means a lot to me! :)

Brad King said...

yeah, but I'm not giving you permission to be a writer remember :) that's up to you. I just like that you're starting to dig into the parts of you that are like all of us.

Tiffany Holbert said...

that I do remember, I'll always remember :)

Brad King said...

You can see why my students make slogan t-shirts for me :) You know next on the list is for you to figure out the story you want to tell now. Outside the blog ;)

Tiffany Holbert said...

haha, yep! :) and, yes, I've started thinking about that, and I've got more thinking to do!

Brad King said...

I expect to hear about that on Friday, my friend.

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